Since then

Since the last time...ive had some trouble registering for school and have found out that i wont be able to start until summer quarter...i was really kinda bummed when i found out. I was looking forward to going back to school...but on the plus side it has given me a little longer to find a job. Ive been job hunting for a while it seems like, but only recently have i been very serious about it. I just got an email today from a prospective employer. Hopefully something comes of it. I need a life. I need to rely on myself again. I want to be back in the work force. Have something to do with my days, and something to strive for.

Ive also been feeling a little lonely lately. Not sure why. Ive been trying to surround myself with people but i still have my moments alone where i feel just that. Maybe its because of my little sister getting married. Im so happy for her, i think its just seeing her with her fiance that i wish i was in a relationship.


Other than that ive been doing pretty good. We've gotten some of my meds straightened out and ive been feeling a little bit better... now if i could just get a handle on the sleeping habits and being tired i would be set. Anyways, i know this entry has been a little short and sweet, but right now i think that pretty much sums up my life. I'll try and keep up on the entries a little better though... havent been too good at keeping new posts up. Good night for now.

My Valentines day

So im up once again. Cant sleep. Whats new though. I have to get up early tomorrow though. The original plan was to go job hunting but now i think im going to have to put that off for a few days. I have to see the counselors at the college and get some stuff straightened out and then Kamie won a spa package in coerde alene' and she can bring her bridesmaids. So it will be a lot of fun to relax and be pampered with my sis tomorrow!

I feel so overwhelmed with everything right now... trying to go back to school and trying to find a job, living at home, trying to loose weight (not an easy feat with my mom doing the grocery shopping)... I just need to try and break things down and handle one thing at a time. hummph... lol easier said then done! Im kinda in a time crunch for school... so maybe thats the one i should try to concentrate on right now.

As for Valentines day... spent it single again this year. It wasnt so bad, i had some whipped cream vodka and watched a movie while i cuddled up in bed... lol not exactly romantic or good company but it wasnt bad. I really dont mind being single. Im not really any good at the whole dating thing... ive decided that i really want to be just friends with someone before i date them. I think it seems to work better and not be so akward that way. And besides that... whats wrong with being single anyways!? lol a friend of mine and i had made an agreement a while ago, that if we were still single by the time that we were 30 that we would date. lol the way things are going for me that may not be so far off! And really it wouldnt be that bad... hes a good friend, i can talk to him about anything, and above all hes honest...(lol sometimes maybe a little too honest, but i appriciate that about him!) I guess i dont really have to worry about that right now though... ive still got 6 years. And since ill be going back to school and work, i could very well meet someone. Who knows! We did agree that if we are both single next valentines day though that we would do something together. It would have been nice to have done something this year but we didnt think about it in time. So maybe next year. At least that would give us both something to do.

Now im just bored and typing so i guess i better get off of here before i start rambling more then i already am. So good night.

All worried for nothing

So i went out with this guy for a few weeks. He was super nice. But we just didnt click. I wish we would have! He has got to be the nicest guy ive ever met but there was just something in me that was uncomfortable and didnt feel right. I prayed about several nights, then i just woke up this last morning and knew what i had to do. It was hard. And i feel like crap for letting him down, but it had to be done. Kinda stinks right before Valentines Day. or as a good friend of mine would call it... singles awareness day! lol So true though. But i guess i have some other things to look foreward to. Like my little sisters wedding. Cant wait! Im the maid of honor so ill have a lot of responsibilities but i look foreward to it. Its a little hard seeing my "little" sister getting married before me but the happiness for her way out weighs the little bit of jealousy i have. Her fiance and her make a great couple and i believe that they will have a great marriage. The are sooo suited for each other. But now, cause of the wedding im on a time crunch to loose my weight ive gained. Ive been trying to work out twice a day... ive already lost 11 lbs. But now ive got to be in a little cute dress by aug 20th. That gives me a little bit of time but ive got a lot of weight to loose too! It can be done though and I am determined to do it!

Its late tonight... fell asleep at aprox 10:30 and woke up at 2am. really kinda stinks... but ive been trying not to take my sleeping meds. They are addictive and i really dont want to have that problem. So i guess this is what i do at night. Just write everything thats on my mind... not a whole heck of a lot lol but something to do i guess. I watch grandma tomorrow so that will give me something to do.

I also am in a spot where i dont know what to do... i just applied for a job with the railroad... my parents dont think that would be a good job for me and if i do end up getting a job with them it may stall my going back to school... i dont know if i would be any good at it or not. Something ive been praying about. To know what path i should take. Maybe the railroad is not for me. I really dont know. So if you read this... i could use some prayers. Just to help me see what God wants me to do.

Well i suppose i should try and go back to sleep... so Good night for now.

Just one more post

hmmm... its been a while since i last updated... my date went well. Ive actually gone on a few dates with the guy since i last posted. My birthday is in 1 hour and 25 min. lol Im excited cause hes going to make me dinner for my birthday! Its actually longer than 1 hour and 25 min until dinner, ill have the whole day to wait tomorrow but im sure it will come fast enough! Its funny how things turn out. This last week has been a real eye opener for me! Ive met someone that seems really nice...even though it was not the right time in my life for meeting someone. Im unemployed, dealing with health problems, taking care of my grandmother when i can, my life feels like its been at a stand still for the last couple of years. Im not in school yet (although i plan on it) my energy and motivation are no where near where they used to be....Why now? What does God have in store for me?

Ive also just recently found out some kind of disturbing news about a couple of friends of mine... one, just got a dui. I feel sort of at fault for this. And i have come to the realization that in order to save my friend, i may just have to stop being friends with him. This is hard for me cause ive been friends with him for such a long time... but i dont want to make things worse. And two, is how a friend of mine preceives me now. I used to be this outgoing, energized, motivated person. But my health problems have really taken a tole on me and i no longer, well, i no longer am that person. I hope to get back to the "old me" but i just dont know when that will happen. Ive seen these changes in me for a long time but i guess it just struck home that a friend sees them as well. I dont want to be known that way. I want the old me back soooo bad! hhhh....ive got to find a way to bring the old me back, ive got to be in there somewhere still...i hope. I just dont know what else to try... ive tried just about every thing medically that there is to try and what else can i do? Ive prayed... and try to live my life according to Gods will... but my life is still at a stand still. I am starting school in the spring though. Maybe that will help to get me back into the swing of things and maybe it will help me to feel more motivated and like my life has some direction.

Ive been working on school stuff all day... scheduling appointments with counselors, looking into the work study programs and figureing out when ill take the placement tests for school. (its been a long time since ive been in school!) But i am looking foreward to going back...i liked school when i was in it. I even think i will take a gym class to help get me in shape! Ive gained a lot of weight not working, so its time i took charge and get rid of it! I just need the support...hopefully my mom will stick with me this time and we can be each others support. If not ill have to find something or someone else to motivate me!

Quick update

Made it out job hunting today...got an on spot interview at yokes in deer park. They also said that they had a lot of other applicants so im trying not to get my hopes up. But hopefully i hear from them soon!

Tomorrows my date! super excited! Been a while since ive dated and im kind of nervous! But he seems like such a great guy and from our conversations on the phone we talk pretty easily! So im keeping my fingers crossed!

Nice Guy

Well, the nice guy i was talking about.... he called! I was super excited! So i guess ill just have to see where it goes and then figure out what to do about my hectic life and bringing someone else into it if it gets that far. I was so unsure what to do last night but when i got the message that he had called i got very excited and all nervous inside, so i guess thats the push i needed to feel better about dating.....i called him back in case any of you where wondering....and we have a date on tuesday! I am so out of the dating scene right now.... havent dated in over a year, so im kind of nervous...but the good kind! Im going through the...i have nothing to wear, how should i do my hair, should i dress casual or dress up kind  of thinking! lol its nerve racking! i hope everything goes alright. and i hope that i can find the right words to explain my medical situation and everything if that comes up. oh....it scares me to think about having to explain that to someone new...someone im interested in and dont want to scare away! All i can do is try not to think about it right now and just let things happen.

Tomorrow im going job searching, a little excited about that. I would really like to go back to work if my medical problems will allow it. I could really use a job right now....it may allow me to do stuff once in a while!

What do i do?

I met a guy last night. An aquaintence of a friend of mine. He seems really nice. I ended up giving him my number. It was unusual for me. I actually made a move on him... and tonight im second guessing myself. Im usually more careful...i dont know what possesed me. Other then i got caught up in the moment, because he seems really nice and i would really like to get to know him...its not because of him, but because of me. Im such a mess, my life is a mess. How do i willingly bring someone into that. (granted, that is assuming he calls me, if not, im worrying about nothing) But if he does how do i go about this? I just dont know. I think it would be very selfish of me to bring him into this, this, for lack of any better wording...mess. Theres just so many problems im fighting...how can i expect someone to deal with them too? I guess ill just have to see if he calls first... then ill worry about the rest later.