Just one more post

hmmm... its been a while since i last updated... my date went well. Ive actually gone on a few dates with the guy since i last posted. My birthday is in 1 hour and 25 min. lol Im excited cause hes going to make me dinner for my birthday! Its actually longer than 1 hour and 25 min until dinner, ill have the whole day to wait tomorrow but im sure it will come fast enough! Its funny how things turn out. This last week has been a real eye opener for me! Ive met someone that seems really nice...even though it was not the right time in my life for meeting someone. Im unemployed, dealing with health problems, taking care of my grandmother when i can, my life feels like its been at a stand still for the last couple of years. Im not in school yet (although i plan on it) my energy and motivation are no where near where they used to be....Why now? What does God have in store for me?

Ive also just recently found out some kind of disturbing news about a couple of friends of mine... one, just got a dui. I feel sort of at fault for this. And i have come to the realization that in order to save my friend, i may just have to stop being friends with him. This is hard for me cause ive been friends with him for such a long time... but i dont want to make things worse. And two, is how a friend of mine preceives me now. I used to be this outgoing, energized, motivated person. But my health problems have really taken a tole on me and i no longer, well, i no longer am that person. I hope to get back to the "old me" but i just dont know when that will happen. Ive seen these changes in me for a long time but i guess it just struck home that a friend sees them as well. I dont want to be known that way. I want the old me back soooo bad! hhhh....ive got to find a way to bring the old me back, ive got to be in there somewhere still...i hope. I just dont know what else to try... ive tried just about every thing medically that there is to try and what else can i do? Ive prayed... and try to live my life according to Gods will... but my life is still at a stand still. I am starting school in the spring though. Maybe that will help to get me back into the swing of things and maybe it will help me to feel more motivated and like my life has some direction.

Ive been working on school stuff all day... scheduling appointments with counselors, looking into the work study programs and figureing out when ill take the placement tests for school. (its been a long time since ive been in school!) But i am looking foreward to going back...i liked school when i was in it. I even think i will take a gym class to help get me in shape! Ive gained a lot of weight not working, so its time i took charge and get rid of it! I just need the support...hopefully my mom will stick with me this time and we can be each others support. If not ill have to find something or someone else to motivate me!

Quick update

Made it out job hunting today...got an on spot interview at yokes in deer park. They also said that they had a lot of other applicants so im trying not to get my hopes up. But hopefully i hear from them soon!

Tomorrows my date! super excited! Been a while since ive dated and im kind of nervous! But he seems like such a great guy and from our conversations on the phone we talk pretty easily! So im keeping my fingers crossed!

Nice Guy

Well, the nice guy i was talking about.... he called! I was super excited! So i guess ill just have to see where it goes and then figure out what to do about my hectic life and bringing someone else into it if it gets that far. I was so unsure what to do last night but when i got the message that he had called i got very excited and all nervous inside, so i guess thats the push i needed to feel better about dating.....i called him back in case any of you where wondering....and we have a date on tuesday! I am so out of the dating scene right now.... havent dated in over a year, so im kind of nervous...but the good kind! Im going through the...i have nothing to wear, how should i do my hair, should i dress casual or dress up kind  of thinking! lol its nerve racking! i hope everything goes alright. and i hope that i can find the right words to explain my medical situation and everything if that comes up. oh....it scares me to think about having to explain that to someone new...someone im interested in and dont want to scare away! All i can do is try not to think about it right now and just let things happen.

Tomorrow im going job searching, a little excited about that. I would really like to go back to work if my medical problems will allow it. I could really use a job right now....it may allow me to do stuff once in a while!

What do i do?

I met a guy last night. An aquaintence of a friend of mine. He seems really nice. I ended up giving him my number. It was unusual for me. I actually made a move on him... and tonight im second guessing myself. Im usually more careful...i dont know what possesed me. Other then i got caught up in the moment, because he seems really nice and i would really like to get to know him...its not because of him, but because of me. Im such a mess, my life is a mess. How do i willingly bring someone into that. (granted, that is assuming he calls me, if not, im worrying about nothing) But if he does how do i go about this? I just dont know. I think it would be very selfish of me to bring him into this, this, for lack of any better wording...mess. Theres just so many problems im fighting...how can i expect someone to deal with them too? I guess ill just have to see if he calls first... then ill worry about the rest later.

New Year

New Years Eve i fell asleep too early....but i did start my New Years Day off with a bang. My best friend and i went out for some much needed time out of the house. We had a great time at Prime Tyme (our local bar). LOL There was hardly anyone there. Just me and Amanda, the kareoke dj, and two other guys, and the bartender of coarse. But we played pool and sang kareoke and just had a blast!

I have a good feeling about this year. Like, maybe all my medical problems will come together and i will find away to live my life. I will be able to go back to work and the thing im most excited about....going back to school! I cant wait to see whats in store for me this year.

Going to check on an application i put in at Borders book store and im hoping that they will give me an interview. But i have found that even with not working, i have no problems keeping my time occupied. But somethings got to change and i think that a job is the most logical place to start. The only thing that is stopping me is fear. I am so afraid that im not going to be able to hold a job. After all my medical problems and the way they affected me at my last job and ultimately getting fired because i was not able to preform at the level i could before my medical problems. I worry. Constantly! I have panic attacks about it! I keep praying about my situation and hoping that i can get over my fears and motivate myself to find a job. Time will tell i guess. Maybe if i start out with something part time. That would probably be best with wanting to start school in the spring anyways. I also worry because of my Grandma. I take care of her a good portion of the time and I dont know what my Mom will do without me. Plus, my Grandma is so used to having me aroun im afraid that the change might not go well. I'll be praying about it! Well, wish me good luck...ill need it!

Today i went into town shopping with my mother and grandma Hazel. We had a good time. I got to spend my gift card at the Buckle that my brother Clay got me for Christmas. We ate lunch at Chilli's. And got Grandma some new clothes. She likes getting out of the house... she spends too much time at home i think.

Got another doctors appointment tommorrow. Every appointment i pray that we can find something that works. Something that will at least allow me to cope with the pain. Even now im not doing so well with it. Sometimes i just sit and all i can do is cry because i hurt so bad and i wish i had the "old" me back... before all this pain started. I was so different back then, then i am now. Right now i feel like im going no where with my life. The "old" me was motivated, and always reached my goals, and wanted more out of life... now i feel like ill just settle for a day with out the pain. Maybe this year will be the year that i get the "old" me back!