New Year

New Years Eve i fell asleep too early....but i did start my New Years Day off with a bang. My best friend and i went out for some much needed time out of the house. We had a great time at Prime Tyme (our local bar). LOL There was hardly anyone there. Just me and Amanda, the kareoke dj, and two other guys, and the bartender of coarse. But we played pool and sang kareoke and just had a blast!

I have a good feeling about this year. Like, maybe all my medical problems will come together and i will find away to live my life. I will be able to go back to work and the thing im most excited about....going back to school! I cant wait to see whats in store for me this year.

Going to check on an application i put in at Borders book store and im hoping that they will give me an interview. But i have found that even with not working, i have no problems keeping my time occupied. But somethings got to change and i think that a job is the most logical place to start. The only thing that is stopping me is fear. I am so afraid that im not going to be able to hold a job. After all my medical problems and the way they affected me at my last job and ultimately getting fired because i was not able to preform at the level i could before my medical problems. I worry. Constantly! I have panic attacks about it! I keep praying about my situation and hoping that i can get over my fears and motivate myself to find a job. Time will tell i guess. Maybe if i start out with something part time. That would probably be best with wanting to start school in the spring anyways. I also worry because of my Grandma. I take care of her a good portion of the time and I dont know what my Mom will do without me. Plus, my Grandma is so used to having me aroun im afraid that the change might not go well. I'll be praying about it! Well, wish me good luck...ill need it!

Today i went into town shopping with my mother and grandma Hazel. We had a good time. I got to spend my gift card at the Buckle that my brother Clay got me for Christmas. We ate lunch at Chilli's. And got Grandma some new clothes. She likes getting out of the house... she spends too much time at home i think.

Got another doctors appointment tommorrow. Every appointment i pray that we can find something that works. Something that will at least allow me to cope with the pain. Even now im not doing so well with it. Sometimes i just sit and all i can do is cry because i hurt so bad and i wish i had the "old" me back... before all this pain started. I was so different back then, then i am now. Right now i feel like im going no where with my life. The "old" me was motivated, and always reached my goals, and wanted more out of life... now i feel like ill just settle for a day with out the pain. Maybe this year will be the year that i get the "old" me back!

Grandma Hazel 12-7-10

Ive been thinking about writing about this for a while, just didnt know i would be doing it in a blog... I watch her every day, Grandma Hazel. It makes me sad. She's no longer sane. Her mind can no longer wrap itself around simple concepts, She doesnt know who people are or how she knows them. I reminice about the days before the disease. The Grandma I knew as a little girl. And when the disease gets the best of me... after answering the same question a few dozen times in an hour or spending 45 min trying to convince her she lives with us and that she doesnt have small children at home that she has to take care of anymore, I try and remind myself of the real her. Who she was before. The grandma that let me cry on her shoulder when i was fighting with mom, or the one who taught me how to bake. What really gets to me... is her eyes. So many times when im trying to have a conversation with her i watch her eyes. She will look at me and then look away... and i can see it in her eyes... she knows she should know something but she just cant put the peices together. She even tells me that. She told me," Chelsea, i know im loosing my mind" Her eyes always look on the verge of crying... sometimes i think she knows how aweful this disease is.... i really hope she doesnt and is just ignorantly happy with her life as it is now. I dont understand such a cruel disease. I feel guilty sometimes because I let this disease get the best of me. I get annoyed and frustrated and it comes out once in a while. She has no control of this and I hate that I let it get to me. She doesnt deserve me raising my voice at her or acting as if shes done something wrong. Shes always been so sweet and caring and has only ever shown love to any of us. Even writing this now im crying, yet i cant help but smile. Even in the state shes in shes always worried about someone else. What she can get for you or what she can do to help you out. Her character is the same... still the same loving and giving person. I hope that is what I will always remember.

Almost Midnight 12-6-10

So, I've never really thought i had enough interesting stuff in my life to start a blog.... but out of boredom i think i may just give it a try. So here goes... Tonight I've been feeling very nostalgic. I keep thinking about the times when i was with someone... no one imparticular, just... when i had someone who was special to me. I suppose it has a lot to do with the holidays. The holidays do a wonderful job of reminding me that I'm single. Being single really is not a bad thing... but i do miss certain parts of being a "couple". I want someone to hold hands with, someone to take with me to my family Christmas get together. A best friend to talk to and that understands me. I'm really in no hurry to be in another relationship but once in a while, like tonight, it gets to me. There is something romantic about all the Christmas lights and the snowy nights that get me thinking. And i watched an old couple while out Christmas shopping the other day... The old man got out and walked around to the other side of the vehicle and opened the door for his elderly wife. Then even though he had to walk through a 3 in. deep mud puddle he kept holding her hand and walked right through it. The way this couple looked at each other just did a lot to show me what i want in the long term. I want to be married to someone for all of my married life. So what makes a healthy relationship? Is there something that I'm doing wrong? What does God have planned for me? Right now i have no idea... but, i think i like it that way.